Halo:cooking evolved
by The Holy Beergut
Summary: Join the master chef as he embarks on a amazing adventure across an unknown planet, armed with his frying pan and fat free cooking sherry. Recipes not included.
1. Pillar of Autumn

Disclaimer: I do not own Halo, if I did, you can bet your ass it be more screwed up then half the shit in my mind. (Thank the lord)  
  
Halo: cooking evolved  
  
"Hey Chef! Another one here! We're starving." Yelled a disgruntled marine across the cafeteria to said person.  
  
"Coming right up!" Said person replied.  
  
Said person being of course, the only cook on the PoA (Pillar of Autumn). Known by his friends and regulars only as "master chef". Nobody knew how long he had been on the ship except for captain Keyes and possibly the ship AI Cortana.  
  
Of course, everyone was welcomed into the cafeteria (except for a certain someone who didn't even need to eat but we will get to that.), served with good food and cool drinks by the master himself. Just as long as everybody on the ship obeyed the four unspoken rules.  
  
One, nobody touched his stuff (especially his platinum frying pan and cooking sherry.) or entered his kitchen without (or with, he had been known to get drunk) his permission, that was his territory and property and everyone respected that, even the captain.  
  
Two, no fights (sissy or likewise).  
  
Three, NOBODY makes fun of the hat! The chef's outfit was normal for the most part (think white shirt, white apron ("Hail to the chef" printed on), the works.) except for a green metallic helmet with a yellow visor worn on his head preventing anyone from seeing his face. Nobody made fun of it because 1: the last guy who did had a spatula imprint on his face for weeks, and 2: He made the best damn omelets this side of the universe. Rumored has it that it had been the last remaining component in a experiment to make a super-powered suit which eventually failed cause everybody who put it on couldn't last five minutes in it, of course, those were just rumors.  
  
And four, no mention of Cortana in his company. For some reason, the chef and Cortana didn't exactly get along very well. That was the sugarcoated version. The downright truth was that they hated each other. If they were ever in each other's company alone, they probably kill each other, then ate the remains to ensure that the deed had been done, reduced to nothing but good old fashion poop.  
  
"Another one of your omelets for me too, master chef." A familiar voice spoke as the captain of the PoA walked into the cafeteria.  
  
"The usual?" The master asked, a rhetorical question for Keyes had only had his omelets in one way for years, plain with a light coating of the chef's famous cooking sherry on the top. Already cooking the concoction.  
  
"You know," the captain began as he sat down. " Between the whole covenant war and managing this ship, your omelets are about one of the only things I look forward to."  
  
"I'm flattered captain, really I am." The Chef replied cracking a small smile unseen by the captain due to the "hat" he wore. "One PoA special coming rig....."  
  
BOOM!!! [Or whatever noise you think is loud. (]  
  
A loud explosion sounded across the ship nearly knocking the chef off his feet and producing a rather loud "What the fuck?!" from his mouth.  
  
"Captain!" The ship AI Cortana announced on the loud speakers on the wall. "A covenant battleship! They caught us off-guard, the Covenant are inside. The Pillar of Autumn won't last too long either with the hit it took."  
  
" Roger Cortana, tell everyone to get to the escape pods ASAP." The captain said before turning to face the master chef, " you better get to an escape pod too son, this old baby ain't gonna last for long."  
  
"Captain, you don't need to care about that freak, you know the saying "The chef goes does with ship"."  
  
"That's *captain* you fake bitch."  
  
" You motherfu...."  
  
"Enough!" the captain shouted exasperated," Cortana, I want you to delete all the earth files on the Pillar of Autumn, we can't risk those covenant bastards getting that information, and prepared for departure, I'm coming to get you."  
  
"Yes sir." Was the formal reply before the speakers went quiet.  
  
"Here." The captain spoke handing the chef a standard pistol. "I don't keep it loaded son so you'll have to find ammo as you go alone."  
  
" I have THIS." The master chef replied, holding up his pride and joy, his platinum frying pan nicknamed "THOR". "And these." Lifting up his apron revealing ten bottles of his specially made cooking sherry attached to his belt, defying the laws of physics by not pulling down on his pants. (Thankfully.)  
  
".............rightttttt......." Came the captain's skeptical answer before shoving the pistol into his gloved hand. " Just take it, now go on! Go!" And with that the captain was gone.  
  
"Damn, I don't even know how to use this..."  
  
The Chef took one last look at his kitchen (sniff.) before sprinting down the PoA's hallways towards the escape pods.  
  
On the way there, he spotted an ammo clip on the floor. A dead marine on the floor.  
  
"Bendozar!" the chef exclaimed checking the body, however the marine was already dead, spatula imprint still visible on his face.  
  
"Shouldn't be too hard..." the master said to himself as he picked up the ammo and tried to stuff the oversized clip (with the label "AR CLIP" blatantly printed on its side.") Into the pistol.  
  
"Goddamnit! Get in there!" The chef shouted and with one final whack, the AR clip was fitted into the pistol, once again breaking the laws of physics. "That's better." Continuing on.  
  
Running faster,AR pistol(and THOR) in both hands, soon he was in the hallway leading to the escape pods.  
  
"Almost there." The chef said as he opened the hallway door.  
  
Only to get greeted by a covenant elite and two grunts.  
  
"Another! Over here!" One of the grunts squeaked.  
  
" Die!" The master chef uttered his battle cry and aimed the pistol at the elite.  
  
*CLICK!* [What? You'd think I'd defy the laws of physics again by making it behave like an Uzi? I'm already on his shit list for the other two lawbreakers. (Sees the laws of physics taking down author's name onto a black notebook.) silly,silly readers.)  
  
" Uh oh...errrrr...peace?" the master chef proclaimed pathetically holding up his hand in the peace sigh.  
  
"Wort! Wort! Wort!" the elite ordered as he and the grunts charged towards the chef.  
  
" Take this!" the master chef cried as he grabbed a bottle of his cooking sherry (100% fat free) and splashed it in the elite's face.  
  
" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite screamed as the searing liquid hit his eyes, blinding him for a moment.  
  
And in that moment, with lightning-fast speed, the master chef bought THOR down on the two grunt's head, killing them before slapping the elite two times in the face and bringing it down on his head with it too.  
  
"ARGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite cried out one last time before it died.  
  
"...........I could get used to this" the chef said taking one final glance at the covenant bodies before going into an escape pod where 4 marines were already preparing to leave.  
  
" Chef!" the pilot exclaimed upon seeing him enter. "Thank god! At least we won't starve to death now."  
  
The chef raised an eyebrow, wondering whether they meant that he could cook for them, or that they would eat him when they got hungry. He opt for the former.  
  
"Get us out of here pilot."  
  
"Yes sir!" the pilot replied before thinking "Wait, why the hell am I calling him sir? He's just a cook." Brushing the thought away. He started up the small ship and took off away from the PoA.  
  
"This ship can't travel long distances, so we're heading for that ring- shape planet, the computer has already confirmed that the air is breathable there."  
  
As the chef stared out the window, a thought process entered his mind as he stared at the circular shaped planet, which would come to be known as "Halo"  
  
New planet= possible new species= possibly edible= new omelet food stuffings  
  
"Goody."  
  
To be continued (hopefully, please R and R!)  
  
Author's note: If you're wondering how I came to write such a screwed-up story then wonder no more. Before I got my Xbox ( I had a playstation 2 before then.) I used to be irritated at how so many people were gushing about how great Halo was. When I first saw master chief and read his name in a game magazine(electronic gaming monthly, read it, it's great.) , for some reason, my brain read it as "master chef".(don't ask me why, I just thought it sounded better.) So I just referred to him as that until I got my Xbox, then I became one of those gushing people.(And I started calling him master chief finally.) But I couldn't get the name "master chef" out of my mind. So finally I just wrote this crap story. If I get good reviews, I will continue it. But please don't flame me! I cry when I see flames(no,really). 


	2. Halo Part one

Disclaimer: I OWN the Master Chef! Yeah! He can beat the chief anytime! (Cackles insanely) oh, and I don't own Halo.  
  
Halo: Cooking evolved  
  
" We're going in too fast!" The pilot screamed as the tiny ship hurled it's way across the sky losing all its wings in the process. "I can't hold her! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"  
  
"That sounded kinda dirty..." Was the Chef's final coherent thought before the ship made a crash landing on the ground, knocking him unconscious?  
  
(Give or take) an hour later...........  
  
"Chef! Chef! Goddamnit you fuckhead! Wake the hell up!"  
  
The Chef stirred slightly as he groggily got up on his feet, Bottles of cooking sherry miraculously still intact, dangling on his belt. "Wh.... Where?"  
  
" In Kansas, Dorothy." The voice replied sarcastically " The life pod dumbass! Now get your butt over here now!"  
  
The Chef looked around, he was in the cozy (read: small) interior of the life pod, shaking his head a few times to get rid of the dizziness, he headed to the source of the voice which was the cockpit of the life pod. The pilot was slump over in his chair, his head had split open due to the impact of the crash and currently his gray matter was dripping on to the floor.  
  
"Dead?" the Chef asked himself as he held the pilot's hand to check for a pulse.  
  
" No, just a headache, of course he's dead!" the voice retorted back as a holographic image fizzled to life on the cockpit board revealing none other then our favorite multicolored AI Cortana.  
  
"...Fake bitch..." out of the mouth of masters came insults.  
  
" Nice to see you too asshole. Now if we're done pissing each other off, any survivors other then you?" Cortana replied putting her arms on her hips.  
  
The Master Chef looked around. Two of the marines were slumped over in their chairs, bleeding from several wounds in their body while another lay on the ground outside the life pod, no sign of life coming from him or the other two.  
  
"No." Came the chef's sullen reply.  
  
" Actually I already checked before you awoke." Cortana said, the Master Chef Glared at her as she continued. " God! Out of all the people I could get stuck with, it just HAD to be the cook."  
  
" *Chef*." Came the reply.  
  
Cortana ignored him as she continued on. " We could have spent extra to give the Marines more endurance training but noooooooo, Keyes wanted to use the money to buy the pool table and Jacuzzi for the Lounge, now look what that has done." Cortana said as she stared at the dead bodies " Goddamn bunch of pansies...WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE AND LEAVE ME WITH THIS FREAK!" She finished as the PoA's AI burst into tears.( Figuratively speaking of course. After all, Computers can't cry right? Silly silly readers.)  
  
" ...............If we're done with your emotional breakdowns, where the hell are we?" The Chef spoke after a few minutes.  
  
Cortana's crying reduced to quiet sobs as she replied " Where do you think we are? We crashed landed onto the planet that pilot was talking about, I hacked into the covenant battle network before and it seems they call this planet "Halo". And it seems to be very important to them."  
  
The Master Chef nodded, as he moved away from the cockpit and was about to walk away.  
  
" Hey! What the hell are you doing! You're not leaving me behind you fuckhead!" Cortana shouted at him.  
  
" And how pray tell am I supposed to take you along? You're just a computer, I'm not going to lug this whole space ship along with me." The Chef retorted as he looked back.  
  
" I can upload my AI onto a chip which you can install onto your helmet. Yes, it has that function, seems I was right in examining your "hat". Turns out it wasn't just some funky head piece after all." Cortana said as she crossed her arms.  
  
" And why would I want your *voice* in my head?" The Chef replied.  
  
Cortana turned red (not just her face mind you) as she spoke " First of all! I'm the only person in the general area who even knows something about this planet. Second of all, you NEED me if you ever want to find Captain Keyes and the rest of the crew. Thirdly, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING LEAVING ME HERE! I'LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREDS IF YOU FUCKING LEAVE M.........."  
  
" Okay! I see your point." The Chef said as he went back to the cockpit, unplugged Cortana and uploaded her onto his Helmet.  
  
As he was plugging Cortana in, he looked down and just happened to notice something missing.........  
  
"My apron!"  
  
" What!?!" was the bewildered reply from Cortana.  
  
"My apron! It's gone!" The Master Chef shouted in panic, true enough, a white shirt was the only thing preventing anyone from seeing his hairy chest (ewwww......). He frantically started searching the general vicinity for his precious apparel.  
  
" For god's sake! It's just a stupid apron! Just forget about it!" Came Cortana's reply before she noticed something on the floor. " Is that it?"  
  
Master Chef walked to the item and picked it up. Yes, it was his apron, but it had several tears on it, and blood had stained it and the phrase on it now read "H**l *o *he *he*".  
  
" Damn........." the Chef muttered to himself as he threw the ruined apron back on to the floor.  
  
" Can we go now?" was the impatient reply from the AI.  
  
The Master Chef wiped his hands clean of the blood before withdrawing another apron from his back pocket and putting it on (this one read " Kiss the cook, not the chef.").  
  
" Let's go."  
  
(I can just end it here but I think I'll continue on for a while more!)  
  
"Wait" came Cortana's urgent respond  
  
"Now what?" The Chef asked impatiently.  
  
" Do you honestly think you're gonna survive against any Covenant you meet with your pan and oil combination? Take some of the weapons on the ground." Cortana said pointing (figuratively speaking again of course.) to the pistols, assault rifles and grenades lying on the ground.  
  
The Master Chef sighed, choosing not to argue as he picked up a pistol and proceeded to load it with ammo.  
  
". ............What are you doing?" Cortana asked noticing the Master Chef's predicament  
  
" What......*Uh! *.... Does.... it* Grunt! Grunt! * ......Look.... like...I'm *Uh! Grunt! Grunt! *.... Doing?" The Master Chef said as he once again struggled to jam an AR clip into the pistol.  
  
" That ammo's for the assault rifle you dumbshit! The pistol ammo's over here." Cortana shouted angrily at the Chef as she pointed (Figu...you know.) to the pistol clips lying on the ground.  
  
" Hey, I'm just the Chef." The Chef (no pun intended.) replied as he picked up a pistol clip and succeeded in loading the pistol with it.  
  
" Take an assault rifle too." Cortana instructed.  
  
" I can't." Master Chef said as he held up THOR (his platinum frying pan for you forgetful readers.) illustrating his point.  
  
" Just dump the frying pan wiseguy."  
  
" I'm not leaving THOR!"  
  
"WHAT!?!!?!"  
  
" I'm not dumping the frying pan!"  
  
" Just do it! My.... OUR survival depends on it!"  
  
" NO!"  
  
" JUST FUCKING DO IT!"  
  
" I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD YOU! NO!"  
  
" Fine you stupid bastard! But at least dump the pistol and take the assault rifle." Cortana relented.  
  
The Master Chef dropped the pistol and took at assault rifle loaded it, and cocked it. "Okay."  
  
" Take some grenades."  
  
" I CAN'T!" The Master Chef screamed as he pointed to the 9 bottles of cooking sherry still hanging on his belt.  
  
"DO IT!"  
  
" I SAID NO DAMNIT!"  
  
" JUST FUC.........look I'm not going to argue, you just do what you want. But at least take a grenade! You have an empty slot on your belt!" Cortana relented once again.  
  
The Master Chef took a frag grenade and attached it on to his belt just as Cortana chimed in franticly again.  
  
" Covenant drop ship heading this way! We have to get out of here!" Cortana alerted the Chef.  
  
" Where?" The Chef Asked.  
  
" Let me put it in terms you can understand, THEY'RE COMINGGGGGG!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HIIILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!" Cortana sarcastically answered.  
  
" I'm not a retard." The Chef retorted back as he proceeded to run across the weird looking bridge to higher ground.  
  
" Really? You sure as hell fooled me."  
  
The chef was about to answer back before he was greeted by three grunts (two orange, one red.) and a blue covenant elite.  
  
" Another! Here!" the red grunt alerted the others.  
  
" Wort! Wort! Wort!" the elite commanded, firing his plasma rifle as the grunts did so with their plasma pistols.  
  
" Fire!" Cortana needlessly instructed as the master chef opened fired on the covenant group, despite his non-existent military background, he succeeded in hitting the three grunts, killing both orange and severely injuring the red, he then ran up and bonked (he he, *Bonked! *) the red grunt on the head with THOR, killing it before focusing his rifle on the Elite.  
  
However his rifle shots were absorbed by the elite's shield the moment it came into contact with it.  
  
" It's not working!" the Chef said while firing.  
  
" Just keep hitting it!" Cortana commanded.  
  
The Master Chef continued firing rifle rounds at the elite while dodging the plasma blasts being fired from it. Soon, the elite's shield fizzled to nothingness, at the same time the AR clip was exhausted.  
  
" Wort! Wort! Wort!" the elite shouted as he charged at the Master Chef, intent on crushing his skull with his bare hands.  
  
" Ha!" The Master Chef proclaimed as he took another bottle of his cooking sherry and splashed it on the elite's face, blinding it (" Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!") and charged at the elite himself, delivering two quick swipes to the face and a downwards bonk on the head with THOR (beware the 3-hit combo) killing the elite.  
  
" Sooo........." The Chef began, silently gloating to himself. " What do you think of my pan and oil combination now?" He asked Cortana.  
  
" ............The pan's an OKAY melee weapon I'll give it that, and the sherry pretty good at blinding the covenant. But I still say you should have gone with the pistol and more grenades." Was Cortana's reply.  
  
" Whatever."  
  
" You have another empty slot on your belt right? Take a plasma grenade." Cortana ordered.  
  
The Master Chef picked a plasma grenade from the dead elite, looking at it. " What does it do?"  
  
" Well they explode just like a normal grenade, and if thrown on a life- form or on the right surface, they stick to it like nobody's business." Cortana explained.  
  
" Cool." The Chef said before attaching the grenade to his belt. Seeing something he proceeding to rip something out from the ground.  
  
" Tearing up the grass isn't going to help things you know." Cortana said noticing his actions.  
  
The Chef glared (well if he could, he would.) at her. " I haven't seen these type of plants before, they could be new herbs I can use in my cooking." The chef explained.  
  
" We don't have TIME for this!" Cortana shouted, annoyed.  
  
" Fine." The Chef stuffed the plants into his pockets, proceeding on mumbling something about stupid Coms that don't eat.  
  
Meanwhile..........  
  
" There's too many Sarge!"  
  
" Don't even think about it Marine!"  
  
The Sergeant and five other men were stranded on Halo after landing on it. Currently, they were trying to hold off a Covenant group, which were attacking the structure they were holed up in.  
  
" Jenkins! Where's my pelican!"  
  
" I'm still trying to contact it sir."  
  
" Damn! At this rate, we ain't gonna last for long." The Sarge said to himself firing his assault rifle killing another grunt.  
  
" Sarge! There's someone else attacking the Covenant and coming here." Private Mason reported.  
  
" What? Who in the hell is that?" Questioned the Sarge.  
  
" Well, errrrr... He's wearing some kind of white shirt, apron and black pants. Also, a green helmet, and he seems to be carrying an assault rifle and what looks like..........a frying pan?" The Private answered skeptically looking through his binoculars.  
  
" What the hell? Give me those damn Binocs!" The Sarge said snatching the binoculars and focusing on the figure. What greeted him through the scope was a familiar but unexpected sight.  
  
" MASTER CHEF!?!!?!"  
  
To be continued (please R and R)  
  
Author's notes: Thanks to all those readers that gave me good reviews. This story has started to develop a good pace and it's all (okay, maybe only partly but still.) due to your reviews. Keep reviewing and reading and I'll have more chapters up soon.  
  
P.S: Help! Does anyone know what else the elites say? (I only know "Wort!" "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" and " ARGHH!!!!!!!!!") if you know, please post it in your reviews, your help would be greatly appreciated. 


End file.
